Accepting Me at 40!
I really do feel like my merry-go-round just sped up. I wish to God that I was joking. I feel like the stuff of life counts more, or at least it should. However, I can’t say that this thang sped up unexpectedly. Actually, I’ve been anticipating 40 (a little more like dreading) since I was about 38 . I started then with a gradual march toward better regard for my health. #DyingWithMyToes has become my cause and mantra to get back on the active lifestyle and healthy eating bandwagon. You see, my maternal great grandma died a terrible death (at least in my opinion) from complications arising from diabetes. She had both of her legs amputated and was on dialysis. I am not about that life. I have resolved that I’d rather not live as long if I have to live like that. I know life is sacred, but the hospital is not. So, now that I’m just under the halfway mark (I’m gunning for 90), I’m hoping to stay on the bandwagon more than I fall off.
It is more important than ever that I spend my time doing what makes me happy. I know that’s such a cliché, but here’s the other part: I think I’ve realized that what makes me happy is constantly evolving. That is such a sobering thought. It’s impacting how I chase my goals. I’m still chasing my goals, but I now have permission to embrace fluctuations in a way that I didn’t before. I think we sometimes see fluctuation and change as failure or as a lack of stick-to-it-ness. Sometimes, it is…and sometimes, it isn’t. It’s a different type of self-acceptance. I am who I am. As long as I can put together a narrative to connect my experiences in a way that points toward growth, I’m content (even if others don’t get it). I finally get it: there are some things, many things, that I can’t control. My job is move in the direction of my goals, and respect the flow of the universe (and know that the flow may not go my way). #Unapologetic.
Okay, #prettyfacesbeautifulsouls, the truth of the matter is that my appearance and sense of style have ticked up a notch. No, not in the way that you would notice, LOL! I mean, it is important to me to be well put together. I used to try to say it didn’t matter. Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, I was lying and trying not to appear bourgeois. It does matter. I’m not a diva, but what it means for me to be me has a #comfortablyelegant feel to it, in both demeanor and what I look like. I want to look good, feel good, and fully me…..which means great brows, great skin, never more than 150 pounds (Btw, when I’m at 150 pounds, I think I look Somolian; when I’m closer to 140 pounds, I think I look Ethiopian – Yes, my level of fat changes my national origin!). Here’s what important about this whole #comfortablyelegant mantra: I’ve finally embraced it without regard for how others feel about it…even when it means I choose my company based on who complements me. Some of my friends don’t give a filth flarn flarn filth about being #comfortablyelegant, and that’s okay…..even if that means our interaction is modified because of it. I’m learning to accept people as they are….AND MYSELF AS I AM. Stop bending to the point that you become flimsy (or bitter). Sidebar: I gotta stop cussing…that isn’t #comfortablyelegant.
Money matters because it just does. Whether it’s access, status, or the emotional fortitude that goes along with knowing that you have some, you better figure out how to get some, save some, and use some for the stuff that really matters to you. I’ve seen areas of my life destroyed by having no money and by thinking I had more money than I did. And I’ve seen my life blossom by a changed perspective on money and things (having your world burn up will help you adjust your perspective). In the words of an ex-boyfriend, “money ain’t everything; but it’s up there with oxygen.”
Find a way to make pleasure and luxury a part of your lifestyle. First, you have to define pleasure and luxury for yourself. Then, you have to figure out how to have regular access to it. This shift from waiting for special occasions to enjoy life to having a good life, period, helps you to stop being impulsive out of a sense of deprivation. Deprivation will make you crazy. When you feel like you grind and grind and grind without rest or reward, you do stupid stuff like binge eat or unplanned shopping sprees (including taking ish back on Monday!……I know I’m not the only one!). Hiking, biking, and cooking are my luxuries.
Ultimately, as I evaluate what it means to be right here right now, I am recognizing the power of being intentional as a result of reflection. Most of these things are lessons that nobody could’ve told me. They are things that I had to learn on my own…Unfortunately, the trials that we go through are often not turned into lessons because we don’t take the time to look back and sift our experiences….and that this is also how we repeat the bad classes of life (some classes should only be taken once, i.e., organic chemistry, pregnancy scares, not keeping at least a half tank of gas during snowy winter, etc)
Stay tuned for Sifted Lessons in the Year of 40.
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