Fear’s Nickname is Insecurity and Selfishness is Her Friend

I’ve been saying for the longest that I wanted to make my life my own.  I feel like I’ve let so much pass me by.  There are and have been so many things that I’ve wanted to do and have not done.  Sometimes, I haven’t done those things because of laziness, particularly when it comes to planning.  I’m big on making sure I’ve done what I need to do before doing what I want to do because I experience the worst guilt when I don’t.  At other times, I waste my down time on things that don’t bring me enough satisfaction.

But there’s this other problem that I’ve been slow to acknowledge: I don’t have a squad. As a 40-year-old, single, childless, entrepreneur who despises surfacey conversations, chronic complainers, and long lines, it seems that I need to shop in a rather exclusive boutique for friendship. For the longest, this reality made me sad and set me up for some rather stale commentary from well-meaning people who say things like, “All you need is a man” as their assumption is that only somebody who is romantically involved with me would go along with (as opposed to enjoy) my ideas of fun. I guess it would give them challenges anew if I explained that the men I meet typically don’t have the ability to roll with me either. It appears that nearly every 40-something year old man I know is an active parent (I don’t intend to parent, co-parent, or step-parent), is separated (which still means unavailable), simply doesn’t enjoy the things that I do, or fails to think that I am the best thing since sliced bread.

In an attempt to have a social life despite not having a squad, I invited two friends to go to a festival with me.  Before the event, I’d told them what I wanted to do and thought we were on the same page; I was wrong.  I said that I wanted to go to the event to check out the vendors and do the wine tasting part; but, I didn’t plan on carrying a chair around for hours so that I could sit later.  Therefore, (I’d) just leave when later came.  Essentially, I thought we were going to taste wine, eat, spend, and go. At the last-minute, I learned that my companions actually wanted to hang out for the music festival and didn’t mind carrying chairs for hours.

No big deal, right? WRONG!  At once, I was annoyed about the change in plans and really hate lugging crap around!  Further, these two friends have more in common with one another than with me; thus, I also knew sitting for the festival was going to mean drinking bad wine (it tasted like Robitussin), listening to crude and harsh language (I despise gratuitous profanity), and trying really hard to keep the conversation light so that they wouldn’t think I was drag.  Frankly, that prospect didn’t motivate me.

Because I knew what I knew about our vibe differences and my preferences, it is beyond me why I stayed once they began hunting for a spot to park themselves for the festival, especially since we drove separate cars! Then, it occurred to me that part of my squad problem is fear. Yup, good ole fear. I realized that I am often reticent about embracing my authentic self when I’m with others. I want to be thought of as the perfect hang out buddy and fear being kicked out of the cool kids club for not being that. Essentially, I sold myself out at the festival (and countless times in the past).  I chose to frustrate myself for no good reason because I was afraid that they would decide that my friendship wasn’t worth it.

Of course, I needed to explore why I was so conflicted over something so simple. I mean, do I really think they’d “quit me” over it? When it came down to it, I had to acknowledge that I do think people tend to resist relationships with individuals who require additional or atypical effort (or don’t go along with the group). Bluntly, I believe people prefer relationships where they don’t have to bend to others’ preferences and boundaries simply because such is inconvenient and doesn’t let them be their proverbial selves.

(On that day and during times in the past, I had, in fact, asserted my preferences.  In particular, my “vibe boundaries” were clear (I cannot articulate how much I hate the crude language.).  Simply put, sometimes they’re respected and sometimes not.) 

My real belief about people is that they say they want love and acceptance when what they actually want is pacification. They want somebody to be part of their agenda. The only real question here is whether people believe they’ll get enough reciprocity to make the pacification worthwhile.

Then, it hit me: I, too, am people! I am just as self-centered as those who I pacify, and much of my resentment about unfulfilling relationships should be directed back to me for two reasons. First, I want a “Yes!” squad, too. I want people to go along, enthusiastically and genuinely, with my agenda. On the other hand, I have yet to master not pouting when I’m asked to do the same.  And when I do refuse, I feel guilty (Why this foolishness?) Second, I’ve failed to articulate what makes the give and take of relationships worth it: studies say that a person needs a 4:1 give to take ratio (4 positive experiences for every 1 negative one) to remain vested in a relationship. By quantifying what I want in general and what I get from a particular relationship, I am forced to acknowledge what I value as well as what I have to lose when managing the connection.

So, my challenge is to free myself of the pressure to be the perfect super-conforming friend which also means freeing them from being so as well.  Then, my goal is to train myself to get what I want by first giving what I want:  genuine interest, love, and respect so that I can leave the festival without guilt.

What is the source of your problems in your relationships?
Are you mad at them when you should be angry with yourself?

#siftedlessons
#maturity

God is a Green Disc

Not long ago, I went biking in Wharton State Forrest in Southern New Jersey.  Alone.  Normally, I have a riding buddy; however, he couldn’t go because he fell down the steps and was bruised and sore.  I was committed to going because biking is something I tremendously enjoy.  So, I whipped out my map, downloaded some information from a website and loaded up the bike rack!

You should know that I rarely ride in the woods, and I’VE NEVER BIKED IN THE WOODS ALONE.  I’m a paved trail kind of girl.  By the time, I made my way to Batsto Village, the trail’s starting point, I was 50% scared.  The area was very rural, and New Jersey has bears and wild hogs in some places (and I hear those things are aggressive).  Further, given all of the race-based venom that has dominated our national media lately, I was bit apprehensive because I saw nobody who looked like me (and I hear NJ still has active Klan meetings in some areas).  By this point, I was 100% scared and thinking that maybe I should’ve brought a weapon or something.  Even so, I got out of my car and unloaded.

Wharton State Forest has trails for hiking, biking, camping, and a few other things.  So, I saw a side that said “Biking Trail Starts Here”, and I took off.  However, I quickly got lost.  The path wasn’t very clear, and I was looking for a straight path that took me on a wide circuitous loop.  Literally, I went in a circle for the first five minutes and wound up back at the parking lot.  People looked at me strangely, and one person, there’s always one, who couldn’t resist the urge to tell me that I was on the hiking path with my bike.

I was annoyed and a little embarrassed.  I hate unsolicited advice with a passion, and I hate people who come off as know-it-alls (I really do mean “hate”…God is still working on me).  For a minute, I thought about putting that bike back on the rack and riding to Philly, familiar territory.  However, I saw a booth and a couple of information stations close to the parking lot and decided to check them out.  On one of those maps, I learned that there were color-coded markers to help you find your way through the gigantic forest, whether you were pedaling, walking, or in a motorized wheelchair!  Off to the woods, I go again.  This time, I was a wee bit more confident, but still a bit hesitant.  I just knew all of those people who saw me start the route before would see me start again, and so would that know-it-all woman.

I approach the trail again, and I see that the green discs are everywhere!  Green = bikes go this way!  I swear I didn’t see a single green disc the first time.  For the first 10 minutes of my ride, I religiously looked for those discs.  If I didn’t see not only the one closest to me, but also the one coming up, I freaked out.  I started singing old negro spirituals back there.  I was terrified.  I did not want to be the stupid woman who died in the woods alone (Even in death, people criticize, i.e., She shouldn’t have gone back there by herself!).

However, after about 30 minutes, I noticed that I was a little less frantic.  I was still looking for the discs; however, I knew I could simply glance up and see one.  I needed lots of reassurance; however, I felt less feverish about it.  Then, I hit one particularly long stretch, and I realized that I hadn’t looked up for a green disc in a while and I didn’t see one…and I had to tell myself to keep pedaling.  I was in the thick of the woods and turning back was silly.  I had no sense of direction in there.  The route had taken so many twists and turns that I couldn’t back-track anyway.  I told myself to breathe and keep pedaling.  I told myself that a green disc would turn up soon…and it did.  Then, I came upon a HUGE mud puddle with a green disc very close by…and I was like, “Dang, I gotta go around this nastiness to stay on this trail? Is there not a different path?” Seriously, I stood in front of that puddle for like 5 minutes debating whether to move forward through the mud or inch my way through on the edges of it.

Eventually, I even grew confident that the discs would be there.  I even began to appreciate the pink and blue discs, too.  Although they weren’t for me and my bike, they were signs of life.

As I rode, I noted that the paths were quite narrow and some of the tree limbs were too low for my liking, I finally developed enough confidence to slow down and take in the scenery…and to talk to God.  At that point, I felt safe. After I told him all that was wrong with me, my life and all my frustrations, something dropped in my spirit, “God is a green disc”.

I pedaled back to my car and went home.

Is it Laying Up, Marriage, or Yellow Love?

^^^^Listen to this while you read^^^^

I’ve spent my entire life around creative, resource wonderful women with deep hearts and tremendous sisterhood circles…and a seeming acceptance of lives sans romantic connection. Here’s the thing, some were married and some weren’t. The married ones spent their time either fussing about their husbands and grinning and bearing a whole lot of stuff while the single ones were keeping company with somebody as I have a lot of cousins.  The weirdest thing about these women, they behaved as if they were unphased by it (Mind you, I was a kid; thus, I’m sure some things were either hidden from me or beyond me).  Frankly, I feel like I’m going down that same road, making my way through life without the kind of romantic connection that I want, and I don’t like it. So, for a minute, I want to lift the mask and look at it.

I want to cater to my softer, more feminine side (all this really means is painting my toe nails and flirting more). Seriously, I love the feeling of being in love.  I enjoy planning romantic interludes. Besides, that’s an easier space to be in. It’s carefree. It’s light. It’s fun. It’s sensual. It’s titillating. And it gets overshadowed by fear. Nevertheless, I miss it. Gladys Knight once said she could live the rest of her life without sex, but that she couldn’t live without romance. I don’t know about the first part of that statement (I’d be one disappointed chick), but I do miss romance. I miss who I turn into when under its spell.

But here’s my challenge: I don’t think I want to be married, and I believe in divorce.  However, I’m hesitant to tell a man that I don’t want to be married because I think that’ll land me in the category of “women you do things with who you think aren’t marriage material”. It’s one thing to choose not exercise an option and quite another to be deemed ineligible. On the other hand, I feel ashamed about it when I’m among other women because marriage is the goddamn goal. When I’m among certain friends and dare utter my thoughts, they often turn into old Baptist Church men and are clearly at a loss for engagement that isn’t based on, “What is wrong with you?” Yes, they frame the question as delicately as they can, but the flawed me angle is still there.

Perhaps I ought to silently pursue the “situation” that suits me. I do know people who are unmarried and in long-term monogamous relationships (not necessarily cohabitating). Curiously, they seem to be mute about their relationships. Yes, you could say that they don’t want everybody in their business; but, I wonder if there is shame attached to being single and over 39. If so, at what point is that shaming, both external and internal, over?  Or do those unmarried, but loved and loving people just avoid the circumstances that make them feel judged, including those that shine a light on the tender spots where they judge themselves? Frankly, I believe a lot of different choices would be made if people weren’t so worried about the opinions of others. Personally, I am afraid of the elders in my family and offending the church culture I grew up in ALTHOUGH it doesn’t seem to be working in an ideal fashion for most of the folks I see subscribing to it (I think I’m more afraid of the people than God).

I resist marriage because I am happily stuck in my ways and lack the ability to believe in the fairytale. I see the imposition of duty. I believe the work of a relationship should be a choice made over and over again everyday instead of somebody just paying bills while the other person serves up duty-booty. I think this is the same taking-for-granted that occurs in families:  somebody always assumes that something is owed to them because of their connection. Thus, they make selfish choices just because they think they can. In my mind, this is divorce-worthy because it’s like persistent water wearing down a rock over time. Moreover, it terrifies me. I can’t even think of a way to string together enough profanities to show just how much that is not my idea of “till death do us part”!

On top of my reservations about the obligatory situation that marriage seems to disintegrate into, the idea that my selection process and criteria could be flawed and leave me with a man who isn’t good for me, a man I don’t complement, or can’t grow with is significant. The divorce rate doesn’t hover around 50% for no reason, and I know more than one widow who says she isn’t doing it again. Frankly, a man who doesn’t live at all like I do, who hasn’t made choices similar to those I’ve made, or who doesn’t seem to be moving in a similar direction as I am is scary. Sure, we consume cute clichés like, “opposites attract”; however, I believe it takes commonalities, a lot of them, to stay together.  The problem is that there seems to be nobody like me, not even close.

#SiftedLesson:  I need to decide on what I value in romantic connection and ask myself whether I am choosing or copping out if I engage and accept something besides what Aunt Hattie and Uncle John had.

Okay, putting mask back on now.

 

 

10 Ways to Embrace the Year of 40

Life comes with a range of possibilities and experiences.  Some should be fun while other should be deep and fulfilling and speak to your convictions.  Do you!  Celebrate life anew!

1. Buy a piece of keepsake jewelry.  Don’t necessarily aim for expense; choose what speaks to you, cheap or not.
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2. Go somewhere with your friends celebrate and get away from your friends to celebrate (Yes, this means you’ll go somewhere twice in the year of 40).
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3. Identify your rituals (or create some).  Believe it or not, I wear perfume everyday (the same fragrance) although I  know it’s going to disappear very soon.  I just love the smell, and it makes me feel like a woman.
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4. Study what you’re like when you’re angry and decide if you’re proud of your angry self. Do better, if necessary.
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5. Define your sense of style and curate your look.  I want to always be able to count on you to look and feel good.  You can’t beat me in a wrap dress :).
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6. Decide to excel at something or at least put excellent, consistent effort into it.
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7. Figure out what makes you feel good and make time to do it.  I didn’t mean sex, but, yes to that, too.
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8. Figure out whose company you love and spend time with that person or people as often as possible.
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9. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, but keep putting off.  Get that thing done.  There’s no joy like doing something that you’ve always wanted to do.  To see yourself in the vision of your imagine is quite mesmerizing.
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10. Try something that you’ve never done (and it can’t overlap with items 1 – 9).

This is crap that you should just give up.  I mean, since you are a woman of a certain age, embrace the decided luxury of it by deciding.  Choose how you will live.

1. Stop lying to yourself about who you are. Just accept that you do some things that you never thought you’d do so often.
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2. Stop being bottled up. Express yourself!  Just pick and choose where…I mean, there are some places where you shouldn’t keep it 100…LOL!  Seriously, everybody doesn’t deserve the privilege of knowing the full you.  You can be selective about when and who you are transparent with while always being authentic.
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3. Stop feeling guilty about the gaps between your choices and the requirements of religious practice if you aren’t going to change. Guilt is pointless. It only makes you feel bad. Regret is better. Regret makes you choose not to do it again.
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4. Stop living small. Go after what you want. This also means you stop buying into that, “You can have it all” crap. Focus on what’s most important to you. If you aim to do it all, something won’t get enough of you.  Go after your gold, not all the gold.
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5. Stop being hurt by the same series of events or people. Look at your choices and be honest with yourself about how and why you are hurting.
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6. If you are single, STOP lying about your dating criteria. Just own your preferences which means there are some people who are necessarily off the table. It doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever. It simply means you won’t spend the next six-week staying on the phone with somebody until 3am when you know it isn’t going to work.
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7. If you’re married, STOP complaining about your spouse. Either take divorce off the table and commit or get out already.
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8. Stop committing to jobs, people, places, clubs, organizations, and activities that you don’t really enjoy or benefit from.
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9. Stop being afraid. Instead, study your fears and silence them by walking toward them.  You’re only afraid of the things that you think are bigger than you….or the things that you didn’t do you part to master.
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10. Stop getting excited about free tee shirts – Sorry, this one is personal. I just hate branding clothing. If I’m not a paid model or don’t work for you, I don’t want to wear your name across my chest. Seriously, stop whatever you’re doing to get free Discover card tees…those things are only suitable for the gym.

Maybe this is just being fully grown.  You know, mature, an adult. 

The Turn of Life: Sifted Lessons

The turn of life = I think I’m seeking balance, that we’re seeking balance.

When I think about what matters and how I spend my days, I think about two things:  what I’d say if today was my last day and the people who constitute my community.

I couldn’t help but to look at my friends.  Frankly, the people you spend time with will either draw you or drive you.  By draw, I mean influence you to do certain things, and by drive you, I mean they serve as warnings about what not to do.   So, it should be no surprise that our friends are tremendous sources of affirmation for us, that we seek their approval in many ways, and that there are parallels in some of our problems.

About three years ago, I noticed something, a wave, hitting my friends:  nearly all of my girls were getting divorced or ending long-term relationships.  They were talking about how the man of their former dreams were men that they could no longer tolerate, men who had let them down, and men who they were being freed from as their kids attained more and more independence. Not only were they quitting men, they were quitting jobs, too (I didn’t have a husband to quit; but, I did cuss many a man).  Moreover, they were deciding to finish degrees, launch businesses, cut losses, assume risks, and making all sorts of major life moves.  And coming to grips with quickly approaching realities.  It wasn’t getting real; it had gotten real seemingly ALL OF SUDDEN.

I’m beginning to think that women hit the mid-life crisis earlier than the proverbial 50.  I think we hit it around 40.  In part, I think it’s driven by the limitations of fertility (many of us are trying to make peace with our motherhood status).  I think we’re trying to figure out what makes us old (We probably need to evaluate what we think it means to be old, including the things that we’re too embarrassed to talk about.  Inherent in our fear of old is how we view it).  I think we’re looking at what we did with the first 40 and asking ourselves what it meant, whether it served us, and how to better use the next 40.  We’re looking fears dead in the face and pushing back….and accepting that dead is coming (this life needs to count!).

I’m going to call this turn of life that hits us in our late 30s and probably stays with us until our early 40s, the “throw this shit away” phase.  You see, my favorite Aunt (now deceased), would clean house by going through the house identifying stuff to be thrown in the trash.  Aunt Bobbie hated clutter (in part because she wasn’t too keen on dusting).  The clutter of her life often came from other people in the way of gifts that needed to be regifted, poorly thought out impulse purchases, or from keeping items that had outlived their useful life or purpose.  I think my friends and I are cleaning up Aunt Bobbie style.  We’re realizing that we need to throw some shit away.

The problem is that we’re panicking about what to keep and what to toss.  We’re questioning the people and accoutrements of our lives and trying to define our anchors.  It’s like everything is up for debate and, possibly, the chopping block. From our men to jobs to faith, I think it’s internal peace that we’re seeking.  I mean the internal peace that can be had if you don’t achieve the ideals of your most deeply sought after dreams.  I think there’s possibly a bit of anger in there:  we bought a lot of wolf tickets from our friends, family, church, society, academia (if we didn’t think nirvana was possible, we would probably have less student loan debt), etc.  Essentially, we’re trying to construct our own truths and find a pathway through life that makes sense of where we are right now but that also lends hope to our wish that we can be happy without constant toil or being threatened again by the boogeyman that wasn’t defeated when we purchased all of those wolf tickets……Maybe it’s just me.  Maybe it’s just my friends.

What are you questioning about your life?
What anchors you?

#unapologetic
#siftedlessons

Play this for background music while you reflect (Surprise!!!):  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgfqSOwtd8w

If I Should Die Today: Sifted Lessons

I swear to God that I believe you’re tired of me talking about the trauma of 40 (although I did punk a 21-year-old yesterday by telling her that I could be her mama); but, I’m hoping that you’ll bear with me.

As I’ve been thinking about what’s going on with me, I looked at two things.  First, what would be my final words to the people who came to see me off, to bid me a final adieu?  How would I wrap this thing up??  Second, I considered the people who constitute my community because I’m having different versions of the same conversations in multiple sister circles.

I wrote my obituary as my way of asking myself whether I was spending my time on things that matter.  It was also my way of being honest about what I am willing to work on (or not), a type of #unapologetic self-acceptance.  I will admit that this exercise was probably the one of the saddest self-inflicted experiences of my life.  It totally changed my perspective on grief.  I wrote it from the vantage point of, “If I should die today”.  In that instant, I felt somewhat frozen.  It took me a minute to get started.  I saw all of the unfinished business of my life.

In the days following this exercise and after I finished crying over myself, I realized that grief is greater than missing the person who died; it is lost opportunity.  Everything that is unsaid or unfinished is just that.  There is no more fixing it.  There is no more working on it.

In evaluating the unfinished business of my life, I perceived anew the bitterness of being undisciplined, the sour taste of fear, and the haunting questions regarding risks of the heart that I should’ve taken.  Since nobody gets to finish everything, it gave new weight to enjoying the work as well as the reward of finishing.  It also seems to me that much of life is process rather than conclusion; thus, learning to enjoy the process is more important than I thought before I imagined my death.

Despite feeling like I’m violating my own privacy….here you go!

Remember, I said I looked at two things.  Check back for the second thing :).

Year of 40: Sifted Lessons

Accepting Me at 40!

I really do feel like my merry-go-round just sped up.  I wish to God that I was joking.  I feel like the stuff of life counts more, or at least it should.  However, I can’t say that this thang sped up unexpectedly.  Actually, I’ve been anticipating 40 (a little more like dreading) since I was about 38 .  I started then with a gradual march toward better regard for my health.  #DyingWithMyToes has become my cause and mantra to get back on the active lifestyle and healthy eating bandwagon.  You see, my maternal great grandma died a terrible death (at least in my opinion) from complications arising from diabetes.  She had both of her legs amputated and was on dialysis.  I am not about that life.  I have resolved that I’d rather not live as long if I have to live like that.  I know life is sacred, but the hospital is not.  So, now that I’m just under the halfway mark (I’m gunning for 90), I’m hoping to stay on the bandwagon more than I fall off.

It is more important than ever that I spend my time doing what makes me happy.  I know that’s such a cliché, but here’s the other part:  I think I’ve realized that what makes me happy is constantly evolving.  That is such a sobering thought.  It’s impacting how I chase my goals.  I’m still chasing my goals, but I now have permission to embrace fluctuations in a way that I didn’t before.  I think we sometimes see fluctuation and change as failure or as a lack of stick-to-it-ness.  Sometimes, it is…and sometimes, it isn’t.  It’s a different type of self-acceptance.  I am who I am.  As long as I can put together a narrative to connect my experiences in a way that points toward growth, I’m content (even if others don’t get it).  I finally get it:  there are some things, many things, that I can’t control.  My job is move in the direction of my goals, and respect the flow of the universe (and know that the flow may not go my way).  #Unapologetic.

Okay, #prettyfacesbeautifulsouls, the truth of the matter is that my appearance and sense of style have ticked up a notch.  No, not in the way that you would notice, LOL!  I mean, it is important to me to be well put together.  I used to try to say it didn’t matter.  Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, I was lying and trying not to appear bourgeois.  It does matter.  I’m not a diva, but what it means for me to be me has a #comfortablyelegant feel to it, in both demeanor and what I look like.  I want to look good, feel good, and fully me…..which means great brows, great skin, never more than 150 pounds (Btw, when I’m at 150 pounds, I think I look Somolian; when I’m closer to 140 pounds, I think I look Ethiopian – Yes, my level of fat changes my national origin!).  Here’s what important about this whole #comfortablyelegant mantra:  I’ve finally embraced it without regard for how others feel about it…even when it means I choose my company based on who complements me.  Some of my friends don’t give a filth flarn flarn filth about being #comfortablyelegant, and that’s okay…..even if that means our interaction is modified because of it.  I’m learning to accept people as they are….AND MYSELF AS I AM.  Stop bending to the point that you become flimsy (or bitter).  Sidebar:  I gotta stop cussing…that isn’t #comfortablyelegant.

Money matters because it just does.  Whether it’s access, status, or the emotional fortitude that goes along with knowing that you have some, you better figure out how to get some, save some, and use some for the stuff that really matters to you.  I’ve seen areas of my life destroyed by having no money and by thinking I had more money than I did.  And I’ve seen my life blossom by a changed perspective on money and things (having your world burn up will help you adjust your perspective).  In the words of an ex-boyfriend, “money ain’t everything; but it’s up there with oxygen.”

Find a way to make pleasure and luxury a part of your lifestyle.  First, you have to define pleasure and luxury for yourself.  Then, you have to figure out how to have regular access to it.  This shift from waiting for special occasions to enjoy life to having a good life, period, helps you to stop being impulsive out of a sense of deprivation.  Deprivation will make you crazy.  When you feel like you grind and grind and grind without rest or reward, you do stupid stuff like binge eat or unplanned shopping sprees (including taking ish back on Monday!……I know I’m not the only one!).  Hiking, biking, and cooking are my luxuries.

Ultimately, as I evaluate what it means to be right here right now, I am recognizing the power of being intentional as a result of reflection.  Most of these things are lessons that nobody could’ve told me.  They are things that I had to learn on my own…Unfortunately, the trials that we go through are often not turned into lessons because we don’t take the time to look back and sift our experiences….and that this is also how we repeat the bad classes of life (some classes should only be taken once, i.e., organic chemistry, pregnancy scares, not keeping at least a half tank of gas during snowy winter, etc)

Stay tuned for Sifted Lessons in the Year of 40. 

 

Sifted Lessons

When you were in your early 20s, did you ever wonder whether you’d be able to live with the long-term decisions that you were making?  Then, as you got to long-term (or closer to it), you realized that your decision-making criteria was flawed? Nope, this probably didn’t happen.  It was when you got to long-term that you began to evaluate your early choices and perspectives!  And then you asked yourself, “What in the entire hell have I been doing?”  It is quite possible that you realized that you’d been taking prescriptions written for a different person in some areas of your life, in many areas of your life, or perhaps in every area of your life.  Now, everything is up for questioning and subject to a change in priority level.

From physical health to daily luxuries to God to relationships, go with me as I change the vision board for my life!  Oh yeah, I want you to sift and share your turning points.

What do you love about life?

Without a doubt, what I love about life is the ability to live according to my own choices, experience the consequences and benefits of such choices, evaluate those experiences and change course to improve outcomes or to reflect a new purpose.

I really don’t understand how people go through life and keep hitting the same wall again and again all the while saying that they hate the wall. Changing course doesn’t equal failure. Rather, it reflects one’s ability to learn, enough humility to believe and admit that you have room to grow and improve and a degree of self-determination.

About the components that I love so much:
1) The ability to live according to my own choices;
2) The experiences that I have and the consequences and benefits of such choices; and
3) The ability and wisdom to evaluate those experiences and change courses if necessary.

There is nothing more sobering than making your own choices. There’s a difference between doing whatever you want to do and making your choices in full view of the potential benefits and consequences of them. When you know what you’re facing and you decide to let the chips fall where they may and that you’ll deal with outcomes, that’s rich! That’s the difference between being immature and walking boldly through life.

Even when experiences bring pain, the human condition is worth living. Heartbreak and glee are bedfellows. It is your perspective that determines whether the heartbreak is crushing. With every experience, you should make better choices. Although I am not the type who welcomes the heavy lifting of life, I think an increasingly heavy load is useful for those people who refuse to examine themselves.

Last, but not least, the whole idea that a person can change course is awesome! What better way to prove to yourself that you are powerful and courageous by looking at what you’re doing and how you’re living and choosing to continue or discontinue.

Words to Live By….

I’m committed to working through this list of journaling prompts:  Below is my attempt at #6.  In the table below, I have listed words that I hope describe me in certain facets of my life.  If you had to choose 3 – 7 words to live by, what would they be?  Meanwhile, here are a couple of my personal life quotes:

1)  God will extend grace to you for just about everything except pride and arrogance.  Ask David!

2)  Even if you don’t know exactly what to do, don’t just stand there!  Figure out something!  God doesn’t do idleness.  Ask dude who buried the talent.

3)  While we all have character contradictions, the people who don’t work to reconcile theirs aren’t trustworthy.

4)  If you keep talking about a goal, but I never see you working on the goal, I tune you out.  I am not hatin’.  I just think you don’t realize that you’re lying.

5)  Let people be wrong about inconsequential matters and stop going to war where there are no meaningful spoils to be won.

6)  If you ask a question and the person can’t give you a clear answer, s/he is either lying or doesn’t know.  Don’t let them make you feel stupid.  Keep asking your question until they clarify or until it becomes clear to both of you that s/he is full of it.  On the other hand, accept and don’t judge people who say, “I don’t know.”

7)  Read body language.  Stop ignoring all of what is said in favor of only what is spoken.

8)  Quitting isn’t acceptable, but it is okay to change course when it makes sense.

9)  Indeed, God’s ways are not mine. I ask for what I want, even if it isn’t Godly.  He knows which wishes to grant; that ain’t my job.

10)  Guilt and shame are useless emotions.  Either make a decision to do better or accept yourself.

Soul Condition	Life Approach	Fantasy Self	Treat Others	Day-to-Day
1.  Grateful	1.  Perseverance	1.  Fearless	1.  Provocative	1.  Studious
2.  Wisdom-Seeking	2.  Connected	2.  Flawless	2.  Malleable	2.  Humorous
3.  Hopeful	3.  Industrious	3.  Selfless	3.  Respectful	3.  Humble
4.  Prayerful	4.  Passion	4.  Genius	4.  Gracious	4.  Idealistic
5.  Contemplative	5.  Fidelity	5.  Statuesque	5.  Principled	5.  Measured
6.  Prosperous	6.  Courage	6.  Elegant	6.  Encouraging	6.  Courageous
7.  Joyful	7.  Expectant	7.  Affluent	7.  Engaging	7.  Warm
*Hopeful	*Expectant	*Elegant	*Gracious	*Measured